U.S. national-security leaders included me in a group chat about upcoming plans to annex Greenland. I didn’t think it could be real. Then they mentioned Ocracoke.

The Ocracoke Current editorial staff had applied for press credentials at the White House, but we hadn’t heard anything from the Trump administration until this surprise late-night group chat. 

At first, I thought it was the Templepalooza family group chat popping up under yet another name, “Red, White, and Bluelandpalooza.” Imagine my surprise when I realized it really was Pete Hegseth sharing state secrets with the Ocracoke Current! 

Pete: He wants Greenland. Denmark will need something in trade. What can we give them?

Lil Marco: How about an island? We’ve got lots of those. Can we spare one? 

Tulsi: There’s one off the coast on NC that votes blue. The boss lost by 20 points there lol

Pete: Yikes! Does he know that? NC is a swing state and went for us. Where’s this traitorous island? Let’s bomb them!

Mike Waltz: Hey, now, Pete, let’s let soberer heads think on this. Bombs cost money. Trading is a win-win!

JD: They were mean to me in Greenland

Tulsi: Suck it up, buttercup  They don’t like you on this other little island, either 

Pete: TBH, none of us like you

Lil Marco: Pete’s drunk texting again LOL

Pete: I’m not drunk, you are!

Mike: Tomorrow we tell POTUS we have a plan. If we need to, we can toss in Portsmouth Island, too. Nobody even lives there, so no biggie

Lil Marco: What if Greenland says no deal

Pete: We bomb both islands win-win win-win 